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James Cairns

  • Henceforth…

    April 21st, 2025

    A blog. They say you need to have a blog. They say you need to have a blog to drive traffic to your book. You’re a writer and you need to write about stuff.

    Okay. I nearly broke my mind thinking about the kind of content I’m going to put in here and the only thing that didn’t feel like bullshit punditry was the following…

    I used to do a solo show called James Cairns Against Humanity, which like the card game of a similar name, is improvisational. I dealt the cards out to the audience and using a flipchart for the title and main characters, launched into an hour improvised long story, pausing all the while to take cards from the audience at regular intervals (the first three rows had cards) based on nothing more than who showed me the need to take their card more than their fellows.

    Sometimes it sucked.

    But, it also sometimes produced the best moments I had on stage in 20 years of acting.

    I’ve found a way to translate this into a writing practice using Rory’s Storycubes. I pick a number of dice, usually nine and then roll them and use the sequence they give me to write something.

    Sometimes it sucks. Sometimes it’s genius.

    I’ll do one a week up here for the foreseeable future. Let’s see how that goes…

    Here’s the first picture:

    Rules are: Roll the dice and line them up as close to the way they land. The order has to be read left to right top to bottom. Only one throw of the dice and no changes.

    Now you can do a micro take where you use the sequence tightly and squeeze everything into a paragraph like this:

    The cup, whether it runneth over or runneth under is a balancing act. Sometimes it’ll have you wary, sometimes be cause for alarm, sometimes just plain old danger. Sometimes it’ll reveal a strength you didn’t know you had, a signal to creation that something hitherto unseen is rising up from the depths of your swampy soul.

    Ooh, that’s a thesis statementright there. Chuck Palahniuk would have my balls for this.

    So turn it into a monologue:

    He looked around the room fixing the pinched faces with a glare. “The cup from which we drink, whether it run over or under forces us into a balancing act. Should we be wary of it? Of course. It can be cause for alarm, even danger. But what it’s more likely to do dear friends is reveal a strength we didn’t know we had, a signal to the world around us that something hitherto unseen is rising from the depths of our swampy souls.”

    Cool – I kinda want to hear more. There’s something there.

    Let’s make it dialogue.

    “There are jewels on that thing. Got to feel weird drinking from it. You have to hold it so the jewels are not against you lips, otherwise you’ll dribble on that nice white robe you have to wear.”

    “I don’t even know if I want to do this. I haven’t even made up my mind yet.”

    “Whoa there your royal highness. Making up your mind’s not under discussion here.”

    “Yes it is! There are alarms going off in here!” She tapped her head so loudly Juana heard it across the room. “This chalice not only has dribble inducing jewels on it. It’s poison, Juana.”

    “Hold that thought. I hear you, I hear you. I mean… in a sense every cup has poison, doesn’t it?”

    “Your cup – what’s the poison? How much poison you got in your cup? Let’s have a look at that?”

    “How is that going to shed any light on what you’re going to have to do later today?”

    “I just want to make myself invisible. I’ll just disappear and then I won’t have to drink anything.”

    “It is possible, but remember, you become the monster for all of us. You’re doing it for all of us.”

    Now there’s a story… see you next week.

  • First review for The Meat Room!

    December 30th, 2024
    The Meat Room: Bushveldt thriller guts apartheid’s twilight

  • A Gap for Kowie Brake and Clutch

    December 29th, 2024

    In Edinburgh some years ago, I went for a run with a friend. We had a show on the Fringe and were in need of some restorative exercise. We started out in Stockbridge and followed the path along the river the bridge crosses. Seemed like a gently, easy course so we stuck to it. 

    Thing is, in a port city when you follow a river, sooner or later you are going to hit the sea, which we did — at the port of Leith. The harbour area was good enough, we had a look and headed back up a road that seemed to go up towards the New Town, as they call the Georgian part of town from where we knew the way back to Stockbridge. 

    As we went, the quality of the area we ran through dipped somewhat. Now, coming from Johannesburg, we are no slouches when it comes to a bit of urban decay so it wasn’t that it turned our stomachs, but a certain tone set in: things looked dodgy. Looked like if you wanted to score, this would be the place to do it. 

    As we went, I put two and two together and realised we were on the Walk of Leith and these were the streets upon which Irvine Welsh’s Trainspotting characters — Renton, Begbie, Spud, Sick Boy and their supporting cast lived their literary lives. I mentioned this to my companion, also a staunch Welsh fan and we stopped to take it in. Was also quite a hill so the opportunity for a breather did us good.

    The significance of the moment, was not some iconic interaction that cemented the authenticity of Trainspotting’s location. It was the fact that the two of us were there at all. Standing on that curb, the Trainspotting in our minds expanded exponentially. Every book we’ve ever read sits there in our memories — some more-so than others. Given a prompt, sometimes they come flooding back and in this instance on The Walk of Leith just that took place and lo, it pleased us for not often did we know this experience.

    See, we’d grown up in South Africa and as such, the only locations we could read about in English fiction where we could go or had been were limited. It wasn’t often we had the privilege of walking the ground, so to speak, of the novels we loved. Firstly because there were so few to love and secondly, because South Africa didn’t (and still doesn’t) feature in a lot of what we read. 

    Now, I hear the criticism straight away. You just weren’t reading the right stuff. But, dear reader, we weren’t selecting for South Africa first. That was never our aim. We first went for quality and then location came as an aside. We read it all and nowhere could we get the immediacy, nor the perfect pitch of Welsh’s work. Closest I’ve come written by a South African would be the late K. Sello Duiker. If you know of more, pop it into the comments and let’s give them a spin.

    It doesn’t have to stuff as edgy as Trainspotting either. It can be the Rebus detective series, which I’ve read subsequent to visiting Edinburgh and Scotland — same thing is true. I know those places. I’ve walked those streets, felt the breeze, smelled the smells and heard the voices. It makes the experience of reading the books that much more compelling.

    Point is — there we were on those streets. That didn’t happen a lot in South Africa and this is what I want to put in my work. I want to use places like Kowie Brake and Clutch in Port Alfred, The Edenglen Spar in Edenvale, the Ultra Liquors on Louis Botha, The Groot Brak Pick’n’Pay, The Rendezvous Heights hourly rentals in Mossel Bay — the kind of places I go. And need I say, the kind of places ‘we’ go. And by ‘we’ I mean the people who read my books.

    If I say ‘Fish Hoek Main Road” and you’ve never been there, it stays a geographical location, but if you’ve been there, you bring your visits to the place with you. When you read a description and you match it from experience and your response is, that’s true — I agree with you. It helps you believe as a reader.

    And there are literary places like Cape Town’s City Bowl and Joburg’s Rosebank and small trendy towns in the Karoo that make it into the books, but there are places like Kowie Brake and Clutch that are screaming to get a place in a story, but never do. 

    And who am I to turn down a good location like Kowie Brake and Clutch? 

    If you have a location you’d like to see written about, please also pop it into the comments. 

  • Easy Win

    October 27th, 2024

    Last weekend, I discovered that beer can make me happy – and I don’t mean this in a generic Homer-Simpson-Duff-lite-blanket-statement-we-all-love-beer kinda way. I had a moment last week where beer made me very happy. Unexpectedly happy, I have to say, ‘kinderlik gelukkig’ as a colleague of mine at Free State University would say when absolutely thrilled to bits.

    What was it that brought this wave of euphoria upon me in the Park Meadows Pick’n’Pay, but the glorious return of Amstel Radler.

    Again – I must stress that I’m not here as some craven brand ambassador. I was touched by beer, emotionally, positively. Every time I re-read what I have written here it seems hard to remove the sarcasm, but let me assure you, dear reader – there is none.

    For years, I have had to stoop to the gutter effluent that is Flying Fish Lemon. Sometimes other options came across my path. Sometimes the Bedfordview Tops would have done the right thing and gotten in a few cases of the ridiculously priced Super Bock Limao or Bitburger Lemon and give me the opportunity to refinance my house in the attempt to satisfy my desire for the real deal, the real Amstel Radler so cruelly and thoughtlessly removed from our shelves all those years ago.

    However, good reader, the prodigal beer has returned. What was it that did the trick? A distant brand manager deemed the time right? A portentous ping in the algorithm telegraphed a return for Radler? A bumper crop of some genetically modified starchy grain in an unheard of valley where indentured farmers farm themselves into the ground to satisfy the beer-lords of SAB?

    I don’t know, but when I hefted those two sixpacks through the fridge’s swing doors at the back of the Park Meadows Pick’n’Pay Liquor I felt like a harvest king of old, a genuine, real euphoria coursing through me.

    Fleeting it was not. It held the entire weekend, without even a Springbok victory to taint the stats. There was no reason to be happy, but the beer.

    Dear reader, is it not a great thing, a blessing, a boon that something as simple as a beer in a bottle can deliver me into the arms of such satisfaction?

    I’ll tell you, dear reader – it is. It absolutely is.

  • A story about a story.

    June 9th, 2024

    A while back. A good while back, when I lived in Troyeville, Dorothee says to me she’s organising a storytelling competition for the Ethiopian community. It’s going to happen at a shop on a second floor of some block of flats in town, but here’s the thing – only Ethiopians have entered the competition so far. Don’t I want to enter so there’s a bit of diversity on the bill? WITS Arts School is hosting and they’ll be the judging panel. There’ll be great food and it’ll be fun.

    Catering is an act of benevolence often overlooked – especially when the catering is as good as Ethiopian usually is – and so I in an act of reciprocal benevolence agreed to take part in the competition.

    And promptly forgot about it.

    The day came and I had nothing. No story for the storytelling competition.

    But stories have a way of floating to the top of the brain’s slush pile when needed, be that need a well-lubricated circle around the braai or a panel of well-meaning academics. That morning (a Saturday) I happened along Emmerentia Drive and at corner Wicklow the story became clear.

    He wasn’t there on the day, but the story concerned a beggar who plied his trade there for some years. One of his legs was skew, bowed, not so much so that he couldn’t walk, but he did so with some difficulty. He didn’t make a song and dance out of it, but the leg obviously made life difficult for him. The leg aside, he begged well and became beloved of the passersby at the intersection.

    Now the good people of Parkview and Greenside decided to do something nice for the guy and they raised a considerable sum of money for him to undergo surgery to have his leg straightened. If I remember correctly, it was an amount just south of R30k. I heard the operation was successful and indeed the man’s gait improved most excellently and he could now go on to what wonderful gifts his life had to offer, because post-op, he had no impediment to his obvious upward socio-economic mobility.

    A few months later, he was back begging at corner Wicklow/Emmerentia walking far better than he had, but undeniably what he’d gained in walking, he’d lost in sympathy. He just wasn’t the beggar he used to be.

    Careful that a helping hand takes far more than it gives.

    He left the corner shortly thereafter to a fate unknown to me.

    Now, I made no diligent independently audited study of what happened prior to or post the story described above. Seemed like a cool story, a pithy warning against do-goodery gone wrong.

    In a second-floor room in a building near Bree taxi rank in town where the Ethiopian storytelling competition was held, that’s the story I told. And I won.

    Not often you find a story so well-formed with a moral and everything just lying there corner Wicklow/Emmerentia.

    Didn’t go down well. There were mutterings of collusion and the like. Guys were bleak. How could this guy come in there and win the thing just like that with this story he picked up on the road on the way in?

    I felt guilty about it – still do. Won some other guys’ storytelling compo with a story about another guy.

    Sometimes storytelling is borrowing, but if I want to think I borrowed that story, how do I ever give it back? I can’t. That’s not how stories work. All I can do is pass it on.

    And see what happens.

    And watch out for those Ethiopian storytelling competitions. Tough crowd.

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